Mine (edited)

this is the hardest part
I watch her–
myself
stumbling into the darkness
and I know what awaits
but stand dumb watching
as she turns, smiles
he pushes her–
me
into the tree
and my eyes roll back
my body slack
clothes torn
the memory is merciless
but I refuse to close my eyes
I can see him
holding her down
feel the sick whispers against my ear
punching me until the struggling
stops
God, [...]

Read Full Post »

she

she wanted more than anything in the world
to believe they would protect her
but gave up,
after one sorry attempt,
at giving them a chance to
she always told herself
she couldn’t tell anyone else
to get support, to be believed
was more than she deserved
when she’s the one who let it happen
she’s read all about herself
in everything from the pamphlets at [...]

Read Full Post »

weakness

blood in my mouth, bitten cheek
my mind lets go while I sleep
I see him there, behind my eyes
nothing between us but a young girl’s lies

Read Full Post »

Me, Myself

“Do not waste your time, trying to get
back what was taken.” -The Offspring

He wouldn’t let me go . . .

so I let me go . . .

escaped myself

and started fresh

until I missed me

and started searching

in vain

[...]

Read Full Post »

no guarantees

there was a gun on the bedside table
out of bullets, out of reach
i opened my mouth to scream
but only purple/gold sparks flew out
i reached for my self
but she was gone
the pounding in my head said
“this is happening”
in time with his hips
and I threw up my dignity,
self-worth and a few other things
in the leaves
finally empty
divided but [...]

Read Full Post »

Hungry Eyes

hungry eyes . . .
scare the shit out of me
strangers staring
as I walk through the gym,
[...]

Read Full Post »

shorts . . .

ugly stories fall out of my mouth
in the same tone I use to talk about the weather
he points it out, asks for more and
[...]

Read Full Post »

Dear Rape,

I watched the fireworks this year and told you to fuck off
I danced and laughed and didn’t drink
you sat on top of the green public trash can
and waited
you got bored watching me enjoy myself
bored and a little angry
and a little hurt
neglected
you went to the bar beside our parking place
and drank until you couldn’t see straight
but [...]

Read Full Post »

Blackout

i went for a run tonight
too much sleep,
too much energy
took why?lee
because I don’t go outside in the dark alone
felt brave
felt strong
i have accomplished so much this year
riding high on graduation
moving in with Carl
progression and hope and
the leaving behind of a tiring era
i ran quickly and confidently
left his collar at home
couldn’t hear him
just my feet
shoes striking [...]

Read Full Post »

Dear 23

Dear 23,
I’m sorry its taken so long for me to reply. I wasn’t sure what to say, at first. I wasn’t expecting a letter. I have been waiting for you to turn around. All those years ago, you left me without a backward glance; I was weighing you down; I was [...]

Read Full Post »

. . . (written summer 2006)

a very Rough
and Angry crime
so Painful and lasting for its victims
it must require Evil to commit
he was Repulsive-his breath
his words, his touch, his sweat
Aggressive and
Perverse
his actions-Indefensible
and Sadistic
i’ll never forget
all he Took
without compunction
i am left
Ravaged,
Anxious,
feeling so Powerless
the memory of him-
Enclosed within my mind
unsure and Dispirited
i wait
praying time will ease
this pain and mistrust

Read Full Post »

Hands (written 2006)

dismal cesspit of sad sentiments
I’ve slowly filled to overflowing–
each flood spilling over
and in till I’m drowning
in my own ideas of
loneliness being the cost of freedom
your hand comes through
the inky stink of sorry thoughts
long rotten
but won’t find me hiding in myself
and feeling clever.
So you walk away,
a few steps
I get bored with clever
and tired of lonely
just desperate [...]

Read Full Post »

This Darkness (written in 2006)

This darkness
rises like heat in my soul
darkness I don’t want
but am not myself without-
can never be myself without.
I want to stop feeling
I can’t get used to this
and it isn’t getting better.
Insanity throbs
at the base of my neck, and
I want the numbness I once lived in
to return
and relieve
this pain and bitterness.
This darkness
is saturating my life
I opened [...]

Read Full Post »

Would You Still Love Me?

When I remember myself
I forget why you’re still here.
Ruined doesn’t begin to describe
the feeling that I must have had no worth to begin with.
“Frailty thy name is woman!”
was the note he tucked under my fingernails
(or maybe it was, I’m nicer to sluts who smile, but
have it your way, Bitch, I’m going to kill you anyway.”)
The [...]

Read Full Post »

17

Dear 17,
I have been so afraid to approach you. In fact, I have never willingly approached you at all. When my nightmares and memories drag me back to you I am so horrified by what I see and so full of guilt and anger that I can hardly live with myself in the present. I [...]

Read Full Post »