Blackout

i went for a run tonight
too much sleep,
too much energy
took why?lee
because I don’t go outside in the dark alone
felt brave
felt strong
i have accomplished so much this year
riding high on graduation
moving in with Carl
progression and hope and
the leaving behind of a tiring era
i ran quickly and confidently
left his collar at home
couldn’t hear him
just my feet
shoes striking [...]

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Moment (written 2007)

Head down
quietly gasping
he thought it would be funny
I hurry to my things
say a breathless goodbye
give a brilliant smile
didn’t even plan it
just ran up the stairs
as I was about to start down
just came around the corner
he couldn’t resist
almost running to my car
just [...]

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This Darkness (written in 2006)

This darkness
rises like heat in my soul
darkness I don’t want
but am not myself without-
can never be myself without.
I want to stop feeling
I can’t get used to this
and it isn’t getting better.
Insanity throbs
at the base of my neck, and
I want the numbness I once lived in
to return
and relieve
this pain and bitterness.
This darkness
is saturating my life
I opened [...]

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Titus Andronicus

its just a book
hundreds of years
between its conception
and myself
and still
I must stop
remember to breathe
trying not to remember;
thinking thankfulness
for hands and a tongue
my life
I might have lost
sometimes it still strikes me
this final and lasting effect
of the harm in human hands
six years and some gone
and still I forget how to breathe.

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Cold Sweats and Bad Dreams

Waking wet and cold
shaking and tense
at the mercy of adrenaline
caught in suspense
No breath, nothing clear
only panic, only fear
Waking and waiting
for his presence to fade
standing in the shower
still the mess he made . . .
six years ago
Water swirls round
an empty drain
no blood, no dirt,
no tears or pain
just remnants of a girl
made a woman incomplete
by cruel hands [...]

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Untitled (written 2006)-edited

curled on the floor
beside the wall I slammed into
running from the recurring Hell in my mind
I need to breathe
these gasps are never enough
to fill my lungs enough
numb lips and tingling jaw
golden glitter under closed lids . . .
some days I wake up
still curled by the wall
bruises fully formed
feeling so hopeless-
incapable of [...]

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Falls Apart

She falls apart
by herself
so ashamed
of the mess she makes
dries her eyes
takes a breath and
tells herself the
necessary lies
to get through another night
It will all be gone in the morning
if she can just
get through
the night.
She falls apart
pieces scattering
scattering, breaking
she watches [...]

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