What the Answers are Now . . .

1) What are you afraid of?
I’m afraid of Carl dying. I’m afraid of choosing a career, going back to school,
then changing my mind. I’m afraid I’m really not capable of staying in one place
for more than five years.
2) Have you traced any of them back to their source? And if so, what [...]

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Mine (edited)

this is the hardest part
I watch her–
myself
stumbling into the darkness
and I know what awaits
but stand dumb watching
as she turns, smiles
he pushes her–
me
into the tree
and my eyes roll back
my body slack
clothes torn
the memory is merciless
but I refuse to close my eyes
I can see him
holding her down
feel the sick whispers against my ear
punching me until the struggling
stops
God, [...]

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Untitled

back and forth
the words come and go
meanings misplaced
picked up
and placed again properly
I’m piecing myself together again
into someone made of all the same parts
I ever was
only finally fitting together

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Me, Myself

“Do not waste your time, trying to get
back what was taken.” -The Offspring

He wouldn’t let me go . . .

so I let me go . . .

escaped myself

and started fresh

until I missed me

and started searching

in vain

[...]

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Unexplained

it doesn’t seem right to anyone but me . . .
the mistakes I’ve already made tease me
from the peanut gallery
while a much simpler hope than I held before
leads me through the gauntlet
the wreckage of what I tried to make
is no longer at my feet
I cleaned it up
with the capable hands
of a girl who has remembered [...]

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Speculation Part 2 (in progress)

I am drawn,
attracted
to his clean and empty hands
outstretched in my direction.
He’s the first man in my life
to make me want to let go
of a past I’ve kept close
to explain myself . . .
or excuse myself . . .
He has a past too
but let the wind take it away
what was left
while I sat surrounded on all [...]

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Scorpio

Am I already written?
in starry ink tracing the skies
as the moon turns around
the earth turning around
the sun?
I wander, but am I lost
or is my wandering ordained
by the position of the planets
the early October morning I took my first breath?
A brooding and dwelling darkness
I have known since I was a child
climbing trees to be alone and [...]

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Thermoregulation

sometimes I can’t keep warm
from the inside out
I borrow heat–
laying sun on my skin,
stepping in a hot bath,
tangling my arms and legs with his
seeking, absorbing
feeling warmth soak in
from wherever I can find it
amphibious?
a life lived half in water, half on land
permeable skin . . .
reptilian?
laying on the black rocks beside the river
to get rid of [...]

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Speculation

He is attracted
drawn
toward restless emotion
barely concealed beneath her skin
he steps closer
feels
the heat of unseen passion
confusing when compared to her chilly interior
not like what he has known
of himself—
There is something controlled, deliberate, thoughtful
in her gaze
something that disturbs the senses
but lures him on all the same
secrets that burn
cold flames flickering in the frozen darkness
claw marks on the [...]

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To Myself at 18

Dear 18,
It would seem I’d be writing to comfort you, somehow let you know how your fears played out and where your choices lead you. But I’m actually writing to ask your advice. After you got on the plane and left Oakridge, everything changed. I believe it was actually in the air, if I recall [...]

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Note to Self . . .

Dear Jesse,
You are clearly in need of some advice. You are five weeks away from the end of the term and here you are wasting your time with words when you know your homework is waiting. I know, I know (believe me, I know better than anyone ; ) that it isn’t so simple. I [...]

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Phoenix

Its written in the stars
all the things I will be
And every secret the earth ever had
is whispered by the sea

A phoenix rises every day
from the ashes of the self she’s burned away
And the moon is keeping a watchful eye
but can’t lend a hand because he’s up too high

I must open my eyes, unplug [...]

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Snow

winter falling white
sparkling empty cold
wonderland, wasteland
red skin, nothing now
later, warmer, more painful
feeling comes
sometimes.

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The Wine

The bottle broke,
the wine spilled-
red and full,
formless, crawling
liquid
spreading thin,
without real purpose-
stunted by inability
to choose anything
but the path of least resistance-
making life hard
because that can be
what makes it easier-
measure every minute
and sell it
saving none to waste
wondering
how things could be . . .
having depleted itself
the flood stops
in a very
anticlimactic way
leaving nothing behind
but a stain
to memorialize
a somewhat [...]

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Indefinable

There is so much more to a soul
than what can be seen in the windows.
Why do we feel we must
place a face
on the front
not only to wear
but to be?
So much has been said of happiness lately
that makes no sense.
We aren’t like the little plastic gingerbread men
[...]

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