Paradigm Shift–Last Years Words Revisited–possibly editing . . .

“I want to be kind, its the only thing I never regret.”
“I want to give the mercy I’ve been given and also denied in the face of my hurtful mistakes.”
“be gentle with me, Dreams
there is still this part–
fragile, unfinished
the frayed end
of a severed cord
swinging in my soul”
“walking toward him in a white dress . . [...]

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What the Answers Were . . .

1) What are your greatest fears?
~Not being in control of myself.
~Losing people I love.
~That I will always lie and never again be known
by anyone and therefore never really loved by anyone.
~That my skin will never again feel clean enough to be
worthy of tenderness.
~That I am as stupid as I feel for letting it happen.
2) Have [...]

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Mine (edited)

this is the hardest part
I watch her–
myself
stumbling into the darkness
and I know what awaits
but stand dumb watching
as she turns, smiles
he pushes her–
me
into the tree
and my eyes roll back
my body slack
clothes torn
the memory is merciless
but I refuse to close my eyes
I can see him
holding her down
feel the sick whispers against my ear
punching me until the struggling
stops
God, [...]

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Wanted

I never did say it
stony silent from the start
but starting from August
[...]

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How to be Lonely Until Someone Comes Along (the beginnings of a bigger idea I’m working on)

No one tells you
like its a secret
like it would be too hard for you to understand
how to be lonely
[...]

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Dear 23

Dear 23,
I’m sorry its taken so long for me to reply. I wasn’t sure what to say, at first. I wasn’t expecting a letter. I have been waiting for you to turn around. All those years ago, you left me without a backward glance; I was weighing you down; I was [...]

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If Only

If I could I would tie us together
myself now
myself from the past
like young trees
and over time
we’d grow together again . . .
If I could I would lance our wounds
clean them well and
sew us up
and with a little time
our souls would heal together again . . .
If I could I would write her
and myself
into one poem
on [...]

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Borrowed Eyes

I borrowed eyes to see
what I missed
seeking answers for the
questions in my heart
Does he love me? What does he want with me?
but couldn’t look
through another’s eyes
without also looking through
their biases layered over my own
What good are his apologies and promises?
Squinting through
tainted lenses
I sought in vain
what no one had to give me . . .
Why did [...]

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Hands (written 2006)

dismal cesspit of sad sentiments
I’ve slowly filled to overflowing–
each flood spilling over
and in till I’m drowning
in my own ideas of
loneliness being the cost of freedom
your hand comes through
the inky stink of sorry thoughts
long rotten
but won’t find me hiding in myself
and feeling clever.
So you walk away,
a few steps
I get bored with clever
and tired of lonely
just desperate [...]

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Growing Things

I awoke this morning
and chose again
to love you,
only you
with every means I have to love
just as I chose yesterday
and will choose again tomorrow.
The faith you planted in this barren soil
and tended so carefully
over the years
has grown slowly–
turning bright leaves
to your sunny eyes and
sending roots down
down
into the very heart
which had starved so many others.
But this faith [...]

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Untitled

He is weaning me away from “reasons”
away from books, away from art
erasing lessons learned
and replacing them
with love
or something
tender, something very strong
everyone says they know what love is
it is something they want or don’t want
but I know I know nothing about love
except for where to find it.

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Awake

my body has never before been spoken to
in a language it understood
always searching for meaning in the
painful, uncomfortable babbling
of selfish, cruel and careless hands
but you . . .
you with your inquisitive fingers
carefully tracing mystery
you with your reverent eyeshine
taking in each dip and curve
touching me so . . .
gently
unclothing me until
I lay, truly naked,
without the shame [...]

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Heartbreakers

well-meaning, hardworking failures at love
other people’s hearts in hand,
slipping and tripping
like two drunks on rollerskates
falling and watching
them shatter in our hands.
Hey Carl!
I’ll bandage your bleeding palms
if you’ll pull this shard of Cale’s ticker
from my spleen . . .
Agreed.

Here, let me get the tweezers . . .

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This Love

And then you said,
“I had too much time to think this weekend”
I thought of the secret lives we live in our heads
and all the horrible things that happen there
along with all the wonders
it was jealousy again
I didn’t have to ask
its always jealousy
with us
sitting and steeping
in questions without relevance
plots and characters that don’t exist,
stories without life [...]

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Flying ; )

I’ve decided to write about you tonight.
Maybe the way you smile when I’m having fun
or the way you love to tackle tickle . . .
hmmmm
No, its not enough.
Something a little more, perhaps
the way you look to my eyes
when I tell you I’m fine
and decide for yourself . . .
closer, but
I want to write
the feeling of [...]

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