she

she wanted more than anything in the world
to believe they would protect her
but gave up,
after one sorry attempt,
at giving them a chance to
she always told herself
she couldn’t tell anyone else
to get support, to be believed
was more than she deserved
when she’s the one who let it happen
she’s read all about herself
in everything from the pamphlets at [...]

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weakness

blood in my mouth, bitten cheek
my mind lets go while I sleep
I see him there, behind my eyes
nothing between us but a young girl’s lies

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Lines

The load gets lighter, the hour approaches, my mind runs with open arms toward a future, while my heart chuckles darkly waiting for it to hit the end of the chain.
Soul can’t be heard from six years away.
Barefoot dreams running over broken glass . . .
There’s a rumor I’ve risen from the dead.
I want what [...]

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Untitled

he comes in so close
I can’t breathe,
can’t think
I wait for him to see me
there is nothing here
[...]

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What do I Dream Now? (Long, Rambling, Freewrite.)

I am waiting
I’m not sure why
or for what
I’ve run through excuses like water
and like water they chose the path of least resistance
back out of my life
taking my life and living it
for all its worth
I ride, I laugh, I work, I play
but when it comes to love
I hesitate.
Even now, after all these years
my heart still gets [...]

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Would You Still Love Me?

When I remember myself
I forget why you’re still here.
Ruined doesn’t begin to describe
the feeling that I must have had no worth to begin with.
“Frailty thy name is woman!”
was the note he tucked under my fingernails
(or maybe it was, I’m nicer to sluts who smile, but
have it your way, Bitch, I’m going to kill you anyway.”)
The [...]

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Untitled

You are right and
your correctness cuts
my pride into pretty ribbons–
favors you can take with you when you go.
Predictably,
I want to leave too
and am chaffed
by my inability to do so
even after you have used
the truth to cut yourself away.
“don’t waste your heart
on a wild thing” I said
but you knew better than me
what I meant
You, who used [...]

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Through the Haze

dipping my toes
still a bit cold
in these obscure waters
soul wants out for a swim
but there’s no room
too many people
too many obligations
I’ll fail–
can’t stretch
without breaking someone
can’t sit still
without drowning
can’t float
a marriage, a family,
a life without lonely–
the life
we are building
of make-believe blocks:
your golden retriever and garden
my horses and our little farm
your political aspirations
the book I’ve yet to [...]

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secrets and lies

secrets and lies
we told
with smiles that hid
yes’s that meant no’s
no’s that meant yes’s
blank eyes
creating false impressions
for those we most feared
hurting or being hurt by
secrets and lies
relationships built
on air
nothing more
than a meaningless breath
holding us together
with our lied-to’s
Secrets and lies
not in our compliments
or our “I love you’s”
it was our happiness
we lied and lied and lied
even to ourselves [...]

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Crossing Borders of Self-2006

completely lost inside my self
wandering uncharted territory
I feel like doing just as I was told
in Girl Scouts-
“if you are ever lost,

wait
for someone to come and find you.”
But what if no one comes?
or even notices I’m missing-
too blinded by my smile
to see my eyes are empty?
I want to believe
but I’ve already believed
so many times
in help that [...]

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Needy

It is melancholy
with a twist of desperation
depression
a dim, inexhaustable, child-like hope
continually disappointed
it is longing, yearning
for something unhaveable
but sort of haveable
somehow haveable
having been had before . . . somehow
it is this thing
that comes over me
sweeps over me
swells in me
waves upon waves
when you will not give me . .
whatever it is that I get from only you.
and [...]

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tired, frustrated, freewrite

He offers me everything I left behind
in the woods that night
everything I’ve told myself again and again
I cannot have-
steadily lowering my expectations
of people, dreams and the world-
carefully easing myself into loneliness
where I can never be disappointed again.
But here I am
on the brink of a life
I threw away
for reasons I still remember.
Can I do this?
Can [...]

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Frustrated

It’s these damn days
flying by
life is going on on
and we are doing this all wrong wrong
so far away
calling and writing
boxing our love
to be sent through
the hands of others,
Telephone wires
satellites
and binary codes
glue us together two birds of a feather
who’ve forgotten how we’re supposed to flock.
I want to feel your hot morning body
against mine
and put my frigid [...]

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Ready or Not

We are
moving on
going forward
in spite of ourselves
taking steps
further from the past
and closer to the future.
I have a month or so
to make room in my closet
for his clothes and shoes
belts and ties-
a month or so
to prepare my dog
who will be losing his place
in my bed-
a month or so
to prepare myself
to share my life,
my little world-
only a [...]

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Its hot

Its hot
my mind feels swollen.
Uncomfortable,
but not in any real pain,
I wriggle wherever I am
trying to find relief
from whatever it is.
And maybe I know what it is
maybe everyone does
but him,
because he
has his own thoughts
which supposedly banish the possibility
to the realm of impossibility.
But I don’t have his thoughts,
only his words
for myself and anyone else who asks.
I’m tired [...]

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