Borrowed Eyes

I borrowed eyes to see
what I missed
seeking answers for the
questions in my heart
Does he love me? What does he want with me?
but couldn’t look
through another’s eyes
without also looking through
their biases layered over my own
What good are his apologies and promises?
Squinting through
tainted lenses
I sought in vain
what no one had to give me . . .
Why did [...]

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ruined

there was a fly in the milk
but I drank it anyway
somehow sure it wouldn’t make me sick
believing like Peter
I’ve leaned on the air
you promised would hold me
there is love there
you promised you promised
I hate promises
I’m too tired
and you’re laughing at me
this poem is ruined.
distracted by the wind
like Peter, I fall . . .
oh
there you are.

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Verbatim

Carl? Didn’t he cheat on you?
It was all the messages I ignored and
his hug in the lobby.
You realize people like that don’t change, right?
It was the way he found me and the letter he wrote.
Whatever it is in him, that allowed him to cross that line will always be there . . .
It was [...]

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I wonder

I’ve been going through old boxes and throwing stuff away/organizing everything and today I found this, written November 2001.
I wonder what you’re doing
And if you ever think of me
And why we had to end that way
And why I couldn’t see
that you were capable of what you did
that we were never meant to be
I wonder what [...]

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Pele

Man-made goddess of fire
burning with jealousy
erupting childishly
when confronted
with the name
of his ex-flame
feeling the fool
when he calmly replies
that he’s tired
and frustrated
unsure what to do
when I can’t turn down the heat
can’t stop wondering why,
when I am cold,
he wraps me up
in the blanket she made for him
and why
when we play chess
its with the hand painted Romans
she knew he [...]

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Jealousy

There is an endless supply of fuel for this fire. I never thought to think that your own choice, years ago, would haunt you to this day–that you would find it hard to trust–having once found yourself unexpectedly untrustworthy.
I don’t know what to say when I feel the heat of that burning jealousy in [...]

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Its hot

Its hot
my mind feels swollen.
Uncomfortable,
but not in any real pain,
I wriggle wherever I am
trying to find relief
from whatever it is.
And maybe I know what it is
maybe everyone does
but him,
because he
has his own thoughts
which supposedly banish the possibility
to the realm of impossibility.
But I don’t have his thoughts,
only his words
for myself and anyone else who asks.
I’m tired [...]

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Lost

His dad said,
“You can call me dad . . .
if you want.”
before walking out the door
after our goodbye hug.
Stunned I stared after
overwhelmed
it took one full minute
for utter panic to set in
and
one full day for me to wake up
and realize this isn’t a dream
these past two years.
We are real
and not just in our own little world [...]

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Don’t . . .

We were kissing,
stripping,
fumbling with buttons

I was miles away
watching to be sure
[...]

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