1) What are your greatest fears?
~Not being in control of myself.
~Losing people I love.
~That I will always lie and never again be known
by anyone and therefore never really loved by anyone.
~That my skin will never again feel clean enough to be
worthy of tenderness.
~That I am as stupid as I feel for letting it happen.
2) Have you traced any of them back to their source? And if so, what is the source?
~Always being the smallest.
~Rape
~When Mike said, “I don’t know, since you came back from TN
you just don’t feel the same.”
3) What things that you want in life are your fears keeping you from?
~A true and honest love.
~A true and honest friendship with my closest friends.
~Children
~Self Respect
4) What makes you jealous?
~He left me for someone else once.
~The fact that because he’s intelligent, handsome and hilarious any number of
women would love to be with him and I have no idea why he chooses to stay with me.
5) If you could break your anger into pieces, what would the pieces be?
~Being left.
~Not being listened too.
~Being forced.
~Hating myself.
6) What triggers your anger?
~The thought of their relationship and how it unraveled the boy
I used to know.
~Reading her poetry that I disagree with, even though I know I have
no right to read and pick apart her words for truths that will always be
relative.
~Men who slap my ass, say derogatory things to me and/or touch me anywhere
without my permission.
~My own inability to control myself sometimes; like when I don’t want to read anymore
but click onto her website anyway or when I know that whiskey and sleeping pills is the
wrong way to feel better, but can’t resist when it hurts too much.
7) What do you want to be and what is in your way?
~I want to be loved. But I can’t even love myself or trust that I am loveable
or that love is even real.
~I want to let go of my anger, but I don’t even know where to start, there’s so
much bottled in so securely and for so many years.
8) When you think about the past, what hurts the most?
~Every excruciating minute of my rape is burned into my brain and it hurts
more than I can explain to have it come back as if its happening all over again
in my nightmares.
~The thought of him loving her.
9) What makes you happy?
~My Why?lee with all his hilarious antics.
~My horse, Tristan, the only creature capable of outrunning every
single one of my negative thoughts and feelings.
~Writing, even when it hurts, it always makes me feel light and more
prepared, more organized; somehow complete.
~Carl–he makes me laugh more than anyone ever has; he is my favorite
playmate. : )
10) Who do you want to be in five years?
I want to be honest. I want to be who I am and happy about it.
I want to be less jealous, less obsessed, less angry. I want to have
a real direction and feel secure.
