I love him
and that never had anything
to do with anyone else.
Choking on hurt or embarrassment perhaps?
it weighs on my chest
in a way no amount of pressure
ever managed to cling to you
I envy you that
but I’ve never hated you for it
the way I’ve seen others;
sometimes even complete strangers
hate you immediately upon realizing
their hatefulness could never do you harm
four books in four days
I’m feeling dangerous–
skating on thin ice
listening to it creak
and knowing inside myself
I sometimes still long to fall in
and freeze again
the depth of my selfishness
is embarrassing when I see it reflected
so clearly in your eyes
how can you see it
and still love me?
But its the depth that draws you in
out of your own shallows
to where the fear of drowning
overwhelmed by currents
you can’t control
makes you feel alive
the girl I used to be looked into the mirror
keen eyes catching the line of my collar bones,
the angle of my jaw
it was a mocking stare
and I deserved it
along with the doubt
that he would love the new, thinner me
when he had been so reverent of the softness
and curving elegance of the girl I used to be
how will he feel about the daring and athletic
woman I have become since he knew me last?
When this feeling fades
I know I will feel the hollowness
of having my soul stretched out
within myself–
me from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes
then slowly made smaller somehow
until I could fit all those I love
safely inside again